Do You Hate Me?

I’ve lost track of how many times I have to ask each day. I ask everyone, my boyfriend, my roommate, my close friends, even people I’ve just met. I know none of them hate me. It is so irrational. I just have to ask. I have to ask or else they might come to that conclusion on their own. Even when I know it is so far from reality, I cannot focus on anything else until I ask.

It is exhausting. Sometimes I can’t tell where my illness stops and where I begin. So many of my conversations are consumed by a question I just have to ask. So many of my thoughts are just obsessions and anxiety that can only be mitigated by doing the compulsion. I struggle every single day. I am so tired. I need a break. My symptoms are so exhausting I don’t have energy for anything else.

College makes it so much harder. For anyone it can be really difficult to constantly deal with changes to your daily routine. But when your mental illness is already consuming so much of your energy, the constant changes in routine become so utterly exhausting. I feel like I have no energy to give to school, to my friends, to my boyfriend, and I have nothing left for myself. I have already put so much time into this degree and I just have to try to push through but I am so tired. I wanted to see myself thrive in college and finally succeed academically but I am still stuck just trying to survive.