You Are Not Just a Little Sad

Before I went to therapy for the first time, I was convinced I had nothing to work on. I was sad just because. And so, I thought talking to someone wasn’t going to do anything for me, and the only way I could feel better was through medication. Nevertheless, I wasn’t willing to start improving my mental health at the time, and even when I decided to start therapy, it wasn’t with the intention of getting better, it was solely to be able to say that I was trying, but I was never going to appreciate life just by talking.

A few months after starting to see my therapist, she told me that she thought I should see a psychiatrist because there was only so much therapy could do for me. I was right! I was expecting that even before I met her! But for some reason I couldn’t help but feel so helpless. It was different; me, not knowing anything about mental illness treatment, thinking I should be on meds, and a mental health professional telling be this is not enough. At first, I refused to go. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t be like “everyone else” and get through my shit by myself. But after a very bad relapse I finally caved in and met with a psychiatrist.

I was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder, which I was definitely not expecting. I thought he was just going to tell me “You are just a little sad so here are some antidepressants and you will be as good as new!”, I wasn’t ready for a full diagnosis let alone a personality disorder. I was also confused because I had just seen “Girl Interrupted” and I did not relate to Susanna at all (that was the only thing I knew about BPD then) and I didn’t go on shopping sprees and spent all my money at once. Also, just hearing “personality disorder” makes you question your entire existence. I never associated my personality with myself in a low mood, but I always thought I was being myself whenever I was “happy”. Weren’t any of those versions of me my personality?

Thankfully, even though there is a lot of misinformation on the internet, it is also a great place to find others that you can relate to. Now I understand why I react the way that I do in some situations and what does it mean whenever I’m hypomanic or depressed. It is not the same for everyone, but I was lucky enough to have found people who helped me destigmatize whatever stereotypes I had in my head. Having BPD or BD is not being exactly like Susanna Kaysen or Kanye West and understanding and accepting that was the first step to start feeling better. Or maybe it was just the meds.