Trying Too Hard

I am diagnosed with manic depression. Its divided in my brain, the way it functions, the way my body functions. I freak out and want to slam my head into a wall any time I do something that hurts anyone, or upsets anyone. I care so much about other people that it’s hard to remember I can put myself first too. I fight so hard for my friends because they deserve the world so why can’t I convince my brain that I deserve to live. People say you’re here for a reason, it’ll be worth it in the end, but the only reason I’m here is for other people. I’m only here so I don’t hurt my loved ones, but I don’t even believe they love me. It hurts when all my efforts go unnoticed, it hurts when I don’t succeed, it hurts most of all putting myself out there only to not be accepted. I try too hard, for someone who cares so little about being alive.