Nine Pills A Day
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost 2 years ago. I have seen three separate psychiatrists after being told that “people with bipolar have to take medication”. The idea that I would have to take medication everyday for the rest of my life was terrifying to me and still is. I know that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and medication is what is needed to “balance” it out but i’ve yet to find the magic pill or pills. Since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADHD, and panic and anxiety disorders I have taken 19 different medications and multiple supplements and changed the doses and combinations of these medication dozens and dozens of times. These medications have caused side effects such as vomiting, weight gain, crying spells, anxiety, insomnia, memory loss, psychosis, high cholesterol, disassociation and have sent me into manic, mixed and depressive eppisodes. The worst part in taking all of these medications is that none of them helped, just made things worse or gave me awful side effects.
I stopped taking my medication for a few months which I have also always been told is “the worst thing you can do”. I felt good. I felt balanced for the most part for a few months while I was at school. However, things slowly began to get worse and worse. I couldn’t focus or remember much, I didn’t really want to go anywhere or do anything and I decided to find a new psychiatrist.
I came home for the summer and was able to get in to see a psychiatrist that specialized in bipolar disorder. Since then I have started taking the medications I was always scared to take: controlled substances. I dont have any history of addiction but in the past when my doctors would suggest Adderall or any Benzodiazepines I have always hesitated. Currently, I take both of those along with a mood stabilizer (Lamictal), lithium, and multiple supplements.
Now I have a pill case the size of an iPad mini that has 4 slots for each day of the week. I begin my day with one pill then take 2 more after lunch and finally I end the day with 6 more. This is not including all the extra supplements, vitamins, and powders that I have to take to deal with the side effects of the medicines. I also have to get semi- frequent blood draws to make sure these medications aren’t hurting my body. I hate the idea of taking mind altering and potentially addictive drugs in the first place. Now it’s something I have to do three times a day. Three times a day I am reminded that I have bipolar disorder. Three times a day I am reminded I have to alter my brain chemicals in order to find some sort of stability. But still I take the pills every day on time and have been for months swapping some out for others and increasing the doses of some, but I am still not okay.
I am still waiting to find the right mix of pills and supplements as well as lifestyle changes to help. I like the psychiatrist I currently see. After having an awful experience with the first one and feeling like the second one never listened and only checked off boxes, I finally have hope for finding something that works.