i stay awake

i have bipolar disorder, i’m most likely to have depressive episodes than manic. i’ve taken so many meds that i can’t remember all of their names, also because they cause memory loss. 4 years ago i had, from what i can see now, a very clear manic episode and til this day i still carry all the trauma that i suffered that time. i can’t remember a lot but i always remember the bad. i’ve been stable for more than a year and it’s so refreshing been able to beat your worst enemy everyday. i feel like i’m always awake i never rest i take quetiapine and i close my eyes and it’s another day and i’m again always awake i never rest my insomnia won’t have a free day. the constant state of alert doesn’t let me be who i am, it forces me to be ashamed of every single movement i make, every single word i say and every single thought i have. i love my mom and i’m never going to try to kill myself again even though i feel the urge to rest in peace finally. i’ll keep taking my pills, all my life if it’s necessary because sometimes i feel like it’s all worth it.