I Hate Being Bi-Polar its Awesome

I’ve always had long spells of depression, paranoia and anxiety. I’ve also always been the center of attention, made everyone laugh, talked a mile a minute, never slept and was frequently starting new projects. I’ve always known the depression, paranoia and anxiety were not normal but the rest I thought was just my “personality”. Since I can remember i’ve had issues with depression but it wasn’t until the depression symptoms had become completely debilitating my freshman year of college that I decided to go to the doctor. I couldn’t get out of bed, go to class, eat, drink or even get up to go to the bathroom or walk down the hall. I went to a family clinic and the doctor quickly prescribed me Lexapro and saw me out. I came back two weeks later feeling even worse and 15 pounds lighter but the doctor said to “wait it out”.

I was then turned down by the universities counseling center because they “usually handle simpler cases” and “could not help me”. I came home for Thanksgiving break and saw a real psychiatrist who diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and anxiety, she gave me Prozac and sent me on my way. I went back to school for finals and was awake for days on end bouncing off the walls but still having breakdowns randomly. I took my finals, did very poorly on them, didn’t get the best grades for the semester and went home. I went back to the psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder and anxiety. Being diagnosed with bipolar was scary; being told I “had” to take medication for the rest of my life was terrifying. I was also worried that all the things that I thought made up my eccentric personality were just symptoms of mania and the medication would take away that “personality”.

Since then i’ve seen two other psychiatrists who have diagnosed me with bipolar type I, bipolar type II and unspecified bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder and ADHD. I’ve tried dozens of medications, doses, and supplements as well as therapy, meditation and brain spotting. These medications have given me terrible side effects and have sent me into manic, mixed and depressive episodes. We are still not sure which type of bipolar I have nor which medications will help me find balance and stability within my diagnosis’s. I am still working towards finding that stability and will continue to do so for the rest of my life due to the nature of bipolar disorder. However, in taking all of these medications I have realized that while some parts of my “personality” were caused by mania I am still the same eccentric person with or without bipolar.